random fiction

[gracie_musica]

1.
If I said I hated you, I'd be lying. I could never, ever hate you, even though right now I... I want to. I want to be mad and throw a tantrum and just be hateful and spiteful and immature.

Maybe a few months ago, I would have. Maybe... a few days ago, I would have.

The first love is always so pure, so innocent. Even the way it ended--so horribly at the end, even though deep down I knew it was the only way--is still shrouded in that pure halo of first love. When that ended, I wanted to hate too. I did hate, but now I don't.

How can I hate something I'd do again in a heartbeat, even knowing how the story ends?

And then you came along. Saved me, both literally and metaphorically. My own personal knight in shining armor.

I'm so stupid. Knights and stuff like that's only for storybooks.

---

2.
The pictures were the hardest. Seeing you with someone else, looking so happy, so in love...

I wanted to tear their eyes out. I wanted to tear the image into a million little pieces and stomp on them. I...

My uncontrollable jealousy is rearing its ugly head again.

I thought I'd be okay with it. I'm not. I'm so sorry, but I'm not.

---

3.
I wanted--want you to be happy. Whenever I slide into my depressions, I always tell myself I'm the third wheel, the extra baggage slowing down the whole thing.

We never promised anything... I think that's what makes it so much harder. Everything I wanted was unspoken--I thought you understood. Stupidly, childishly, I thought you could read my mind.

... It's the first love all over again, in some ways. We're similar, but totally different--in the end, we both want completely different things. In the end, neither of us can fulfill one another the way we both truly wish to be fulfilled.

Maybe no one can do that for another. But I know that there's someone out there much more suited for you. Right now, as I'm sliding into this hole, I don't know if there's someone for me. Maybe there is, but then again maybe there isn't.

I love you. I do. With all of my heart. With everything I can. It's just not enough.

---

4.
Goodbye.

Good. Bye.

That's just... stupid. This isn't 'good'. It's heartbreaking.

But "Heartbreakingly-bye" just doesn't have a ring to it, does it?

I want to fight. To stake out my claim and mark you as my own. But I can't do that. It would be unfair to you, because it's not what you want. I'd be... I'd be worse than an abusive partner in that respect.

So.

Goodbye.

Comments

[ohajiki.livejournal.com]

Hye if you need to talk I'm on MSN ... I make a good sounding board I've been told. Buzz me if you want

You can rant and rave all you want, I don't know anyone you know so I won't reveal anything.

[gracie-musica.livejournal.com]

I may take you up on that, actually.

[mtemplar.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[the-prophit.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you want to change it even though you are down, you want to pick up the pieces.

Life is a negotiation, bringing your feelings to the table and having the will to take part in shaping your future.

Call me if you want to talk again ^^